The Quest is complete.

After a long and arduous journey in search for the fabled treasure, our Quest is complete. The lengendary Chocolate Mud Cake of Secret Recipe has been found. Where? Plaza Singapura. The shop is having a nice promotion on free tea coupled with every slice of cake purchased. Earl Grey Tea is surprisingly refreshing...

And so, yet another afternoon spent between two people who cannot seem to spend their time profitably in each other's presence. This is a troubling trend in light of the impending promos... I must try to spend more time studying instead of shopping. Or is it watching someone else shop while I drag my feet from shop to shop? haha...

I've been feeling so spiritually dry lately. I can't seem to enter fully into worship. My mind keeps wandering. I can't focus, or sit down and read the Word deeply. I must change! I must return! Lord, take me back in, take me once again to that place where I sense You are near...

You know, all these recent queries into my love life, or the lack of it, are getting really tiring. I know it appears to everyone on the outside that beni and I are dating, but really, if you ever happen to overhear our conversations, they do not happen to be the conversations a couple has... But apparently no one will believe me, so you people can go believe whatever you want to believe...

Argh!!! I'm suddenly gripped by exam panic as I read other people's blogs! Everybody, or at least a lot of people, seem to have started studying and I haven't! And I can't seem to find the motivation to kick myself out of this inertia! Inertia is bad for studies.

This brings to mind a funny observation some of us made today: that no matter how much the teachers, or maybe teacher, compain about our class, we seem to be able to produce the results. Considering how lousy our attitude seems to be, I suppose it is quite creditable for our class to produce, at the common test, the highest in Literature, the two highest in GP (including, ahem, ahem, yours truly), and some of the highest in Econs. Here I'm talking about in comparison to the rest of the Arts faculty. And it seems to me, that although we may not be particularly participative in class, if we are at all, who gives a damn as long as we produce the results? Imagine if we actually put in more work like the other classes.... Then they'll all be biting the dust... hahahaha

I think I'll start by studying history. And the sooner I finish those pesky questions on Cuba the better. Oh, dang, there's a reading quiz tomorrow. And PE. I hope we don't get forced to play soccer again. If there's one thing in sports i can't stand, it's soccer. I absolutely detest soccer. You will never find me kicking a soccer ball around. Soccer reeks of everything that's wrong with men: the rowdiness, the coarse behaviour, the scandals, the stench, etc. To have a large bunch of grown men chasing after a silly ball is hilarious. I hope we get to play badminton or something. Then Grace and I will once again take the art of looking glam with rackets to a higher level. There should be something invented like sedentary badminton, though...

Ok, I just realised how whiny I sounded in that last paragraph. Oh well, who cares. I rebut everyone who says women hold an exclusive right to whininess. The guys need to let off steam once in a while...

This has been an extremely frivolous post.

On words

The tongue is a curious thing. To write about its evils is to repeat what has already been written by a far wiser man than I in James 3. But still, thought must be given to its double-edged nature. It was on the way home that I realised how almost everything in this world has a double-edged nature. Everything can be used either for good or for ill. Consider a tree. It can be used to build a table, or it can be used as an implement for hitting someone. Consider a building. It can be used to house people, or it can be used, in conjunction with a plane, as a rather large-scale bomb. Similarly the tongue can used to bless and to curse.

I am unfortunately verbose. This, again, is a double-edged thing, for it means I can either speak eloquently or release unflattering remarks at all the wrong times. The latter I frequently do, to the distress of others and myself. My sincere apologies to all I may have offended. The tongue, then, is truly a restless evil. To quote Prof Tolkien, "Is it not a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt for so small a thing? So small a thing!"

I want to consider words. Sometimes I feel people don't understand the real meaning of the words they use, and the impact they have on others. It's like they just use them with no real consideration of the word choice. Assuredly in older times a word meant and said much more than it does today. That's why I want to learn Hebrew! Or Greek! Fascinating languages... Sometimes English can be so bland.

One common example of bad usage is the word "hate". Hate is such a strong word. It implies intense anger and dislike for something or someone. And yet I hear it being used all the time, even among friends. Is it proper to use such a word against people you are only temporarily angry? Hatred connotes great revulsion, so great you refuse to be associated with that something, and may in fact take steps to remove it. Justifiably scripture says the Almighty hates sin, for sin is contrary and disgusting to His nature and hence He would try all means to remove it. And indeed, He has done so, in one fell swoop. Conversely, we say the devil hates the Lord, for he cannot stand to be in His presence or be associated with Him. He therefore tries all sorts of means to sabotage and destroy His plans, futile though his attempts may be. If the word "hate" is thus used to desribe the feelings the Divine has towards sin, arguably a disgusting thing, and the feelings of the devil towards the Divine, it is meet that the word should be used so frequently in our own earthly, human relations? No doubt certain occasions merit the word choice, but I think the intensity of the word has being diluted by frivolous usage.

I do not deny the fact that I, too, am guilty of frivolous usage of words, and I pray I will one day learn to control my tongue. In the meantime I must work hard at keeping silent when necessary...

The winds of change blow once more, and politics shift. You know, politics is such a fascinating thing. Two weeks has certainly yielded much change, and at the upcoming Meatball Conference we shall once again meet to hear the enlightening words of a certain Prof Chua... In the words of the Lit teachers, a good overview always helps to set the direction your essay is going.

What a looong day.... The time has come, however, as the weekend (Oh, now thank we all our God!) approaches, to buckle down and begin revision. And at the same time try and get back into doing my QT regularly, which I must admit has fallen along the wayside.

I've been reading The Problem of Pain by CS Lewis. Once again I delve into that delightful area of Christianity known as Theology. But in any case, isn't the whole of Christianity Theology? But anyway, what I really mean is the intellectual, logical sort of Theology. The kind that makes you think deeply about your faith, face up to the doubts you have, and then ponder about them. CS Lewis has this remarkable ability to logically explain every step. He was, as he himself once said, "dragged kicking and screaming into the Kingdom of God." He's one of those few people who were convinced of Christianity through the rightness of its logic, and of course, if its logic is truly right, then logical and sane people like him have no choice but to be gripped by it.

I begin to wonder whether I have really forgiven that person. Why is it, that whenever I hear or see the one in question I get mixed feelings? Part of me says let go, and in fact tries to let go. The other part wrinkles its nose in disgust at the fakeness, churns up malicious thoughts about what I could say to that person. Oh, the power and passion I could drive into my words! How I would pummel that ego, that masked persona, that empty laughter with all the might that language will give me cable! Power! Unlimited power!

And this brings me straight up against my pride. CS Lewis is right again, that when we start on something to please God, for example read a book, we may end up delighting in our very ability to read, or think. And I revel in my ability to think and reason and argue. Vanity of vanities! How fleeting are all the days of Man! Why do I waste my time on such petty things? Why can't I let go? Why can't I focus?

I need strength, willpower, perserverence, humility. A broken and a contrite heart.

Censorship

In an effort to prevent myself from being called to see the principal due to "disparaging remarks" made on my blog, I have edited certain words in my previous posts. The school, in its largest attempt at censorship yet, today called up several students at morning assembly to see the principal. Apparently these students insulted with gross vulgarities certain persons or institutions within the school. We were warned not to write "disparaging remarks" against any teacher or the leadership of the school.

I most certainly agree with the school on the need to edit out vulgarities from blogs. What kind of person does that make you out to be if all you can do is hurl crude abuse? Indeed, I am of the belief that criticism is in fact more stinging when crafted in eloquent, proper English. For this reason, although I have changed a few words in previous posts, I refuse to alter the tone of my criticisms. I believe I have clearly justified my claims. On the other hand, the parties involved have NOT concretely justified their actions.

Censorship is a terrible thing. Who knows when I might get called down over what I write in my blog? I'm afraid I've been fretting over this issue the whole day. Having said that, I have reached the conclusion that since I have not named any institution, I stand free of implication. Nobody can sue me based on my own opinions.

Fulfilled cravings...

Ok, do NOT ever have chocolate cake, hot coffee and cold water at the same time. And if you do, do NOT take a one hour bus ride home immediately. The result of doing so is a very queasy stomach. No, I haven't vomited, but let's just say I'm not feeling very pleasant in the stomach now...

Well, today was a relatively pleasant day. I finally fulfilled my weekend cravings to eat cake! Nice chocolate cake! Dai Wei says I don't look like the type with a sweet tooth, oh, but trust me, I can love sweetness when I'm in the mood...

Today was one of those surreal days when I realised that the school's vision is right after all, that no one is here by chance. I never expected to have gone to Spain on a holiday last December, end up in the same tour group as a bunch of members from the Bible Church, 0f whom one of them is the JC's principal and another a current student councillor, to find myself, 8 months later, sitting in a Secret Recipe cafe eating cake with another Bible Church member, along with the said student councillor, myself now being a student of the JC and hence being under that principal, in the same class as two other Bible Church members. No one, I repeat, is here by chance...

Oh, and who could predict I'd end up a close friend of one of the Bible Church members in my class? Okay, so I complained about trekking all over Holland V for an hour plus in a futile attempt to find a cake shop, but I think at the end of the day, I enjoyed myself. To quote Benita's blog, "thanks, joel for peing me over sms. u're one of those pple who make school liveable." Well, I must say that the feeling is mutual.

At this juncture I feel the need to add a disclaimer. I feel very blessed to have God place such a good Christian sister in my life. Yes, all you nosey buggers out there, listen up: I view her as the sister I never had. I find it increasingly amusing that more and more people think we have something going on. Is it that hard to believe a guy and a girl can be good friends without going beyond the platonic level? Apparently not. People are too busy messing around with their love lives to enjoy close platonic friendship with the opposite sex. And don't I just LOVE arguing with women... They can be soo intellectually stimulating...

Argh... the GP seminar is coming up, and my group is WAY behind schedule for PW. Surveys! Surveys! Arghh...

Oh, in an irrelevant sidenote: I got new shoes! And a new book! And if I have my way (which I probably will not) I'll get a new bag soon! Hahahaha...

Another pause before we plunge deep in.

Ahhh, at last, I can blog in peace after SUCH a hectic week. I spent 2 consecutive days sleeping at 11 pm!! Ohhh, I just feel soo drained right now... And once again, next week will be stressful one. Let's list out the work: Econs test on Monday, do up Econs MCQ qns by Tuesday, Chinese compo due on Monday, EOM draft due by Wednesday, GP seminar on Thursday.... the list goes on. The one thing that worries me the most is PW. We're just so behind time. If I ever meet the person who came up with this monstrosity of an idea...

Oh well, I had the meet-the-parents session today. It was funny, sitting there hearing Mrs Tan praise me to the heavens in front of my parents. Apparently I'm "very motivated". Am I? Maybe I appear to be so... Well, I suppose I SHOULD get cracking, considering how near the promos are. Goal setting: An improvement of one grade in all subjects, or at least a high C for some. My borderline Cs are too dangerous.

Oh! I returned the blazers today! And lo and behold, the councillors, predictably, could NOT find any records of the debaters having ever borrowed 5 blazers in bulk, or as individuals for that matter. To increase the irony of the situation, I saw records from 2003 of Adrienne and Candice borrowing blazers. And they can't find OUR records. If ever I needed proof of the ineptitude of that august body, this would be it.

aiya, can't think of anything more interesting to write about, so I'll end here.

'Twas the day before National Day...

And all through the school, patriotic songs were playing...

We come to it at last. National Day week. Tomorrow, Singapore will witness the climax of the annual year-long buildup of nationalist propaganda. The entire machinery of the propaganda unit will be on display. Troops will march, tanks will roll past, dancers will twirl before City Hall, the choir will belt out every NDP theme song in Singapore's repertoire (which, I might add, is becoming increasingly bland), and fireworks will explode in the air. Some people will know that I have the benefit of being able to view the entire firework display, as well as all the aerial flypasts, year after year from the comfort of my bedroom. My house commands a full view of the island's entire south.

National theatrics aside, the week's celebrations only provide a colourful backdrop to what will prove to be a hectic 7 days of work and study. I shudder to think about the tonnes of PW work still waiting to be done. And then there's the upcoming History test, not to mention the Lit essay. And Chinese! Oh yes, Econs.... You shall keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.

Still, the week started on a relatively pleasant note. I had a....shall we say... interesting discussion over lunch with 3 other people. It's amazing how perceptive some people in class can be. Do not underestimate the friendly little guy next to you. He may be analysing your every move... hahaha! Anyway, we had a fun time discussing "deep" issues. ButI hardly think I'm ready to bare my soul to them. Only certain people have gained enough of my trust for me to do that. Not that I'm insulting anyone here, but I don't feel the need for too many people to know all about me.

I think...I think it's good to be able to find people you can REALLY talk to. I don't think I've ever had such friends until I entered JC. Sounds sad, doesn't it? But maybe it's because I never really had anything BIG to talk about. Okay, maybe I did have such a friend in Quek. Still do. But, oh well, he's not exactly your chatty type. HAHA!

Anyway, I have absolutely nothing to do tomorrow. My brother will be busy at NDP, my parents will be coming back from Bali, and I will be stuck at home. Anybody keen on a movie or something? Not Charlie and the Chocolate Factory though. I'm watching that on Thursday...

Don't say we have come to journey's end

And so, with a few simple words, my dream was ended. I'm simply not good enough for the national team. And to add further insult to injury, there is the possibility of there being no Bridging Minds at all this year...

I wonder what's happening to me. I seemed to face the same problem yesterday as the day of the semifinals: my mind blanking out, stuttering, the examples won't come, the arguments don't seem to flow... I hope this doesn't last. Maybe it's because I haven't been reading a lot recently. Time to catch up on newspapers, magazines, books, etc. I remember a time when I used to read the newspapers faithfully everyday. That time is long gone. Maybe that's why my information appears to be increasingly dated. Oh no...

I've been thinking of my commitment levels. When I heard the high commitment required for the national team yesterday, I kind of subconsciously told myself I couldn't do it. And I think I knew already that there was little chance for me to qualify anyway, against such strong competition. This is worrying. I can't seem to commit myself either for long periods of time or intensively. I think it all boils down to my inertia in moving beyond my comfort zone.

Anyway, the day ended with the Festival of Praise (FOP). I think it's very sad that Chapel of the Resurrection (COR), which was one of the three founding churches of FOP, is no longer even on the list of participating churches. There wasn't even any publicity about FOP in the church. I wonder why the retreat from this event. Maybe it's got something to do with the move to SAV.

Apostolic faith in action. What revelation of God do you carry? That was the message at last night's FOP. I don't have a clear answer to the question. I think one of my greatest problems is the area of pride. Pride! Is it not one of the greatest sins of all time? Indeed the devil became the devil because of pride. How art thou fallen from heaven, O star of the morning, son of the dawn! I think I should take my recent defeats as stepping stones to humility. Isn't that one of the most beautiful revelations of God? The God of humility, who opposes the proud and gives grace to the humble.

I now have to go take my afternoon nap. Afternoon naps are good for the mind and body. I don't see why people don't practise this.

Day 2 of the Symposium, and a whole lot of questions...

For the first time in my life I posed a question to a professor of a well-known university, and got suaned for my trouble. He misunderstood my question, but then again, he misunderstood a lot of other people's questions. Still, I kind of like the guy's thinking. He would make a great opposition party member...

Today gave me a lot of food for thought, and I'm not talking only about the symposium. Of course, the speakers did raise very interesting points, like the one on how the liberalising of Singapore's cultural sphere is in fact increasing the government's political legitimacy. But that aside, I was confronted by the limits of my comfort zone as I sat in D Block today, being asked questions, some of which I knew the uncomfortable answers to, others raised more thoughts about myself.

I have begun to wonder about whether I should remain in the political society. The meeting made me feel uneasy, and I don't think I am prepared to go as far as to put up posters, do things beyond what I am accustomed to, take a stand and rally in the canteen... Now that I've understood more of what the Act requires me to do, I simply don't think I have the passion or stamina or courage or willpower to run for a cause that, like Mr Leong said, will most likely fail. I'm afraid it was merely in a fit of anger that I said I would give my full support of the cca because of the blazer incident. This says something about me doesn't it? I'm scared, lazy, just not bold or passionate enough to go beyond the level of armchair politics. Maybe all I can do is complain and gripe. Maybe that's what I like to do, which is probably why I'm in debating...

I think the problem is that I thought it would be like debating. I thought all we would do was sit around and discuss and debate on current affairs. But Mr Leong clearly has a penchant for getting things DONE, and I agree with him, in theory. There is, of course, too much blame-shifting, too much complaining, too much talk these days, and yet no one is willing to consider what they themselves would actually do. Of course something needs to be done. I just don't want to be the one doing it. Which is why I've concluded that I'm probably not cut out for politics. I'll just stay in my comfort zone and remain the armchair general...

*sigh.... I think I need to change. But how? I'm too scared to go beyond my limits. If you ask me to write a letter, if you ask me to make a passionate speech in a nice, dignified environment, I am willing to do so. But to sacrifice my reputation? My pride? My laziness? Arghhhhh.... This is so confusing.... I know what I must and have to do, I'm just afraid to do it. And this brings up another interesting question: For whom or for what cause am I willing to change? Should I change just for this? I would rather change for a higher calling, and then again, perhaps i was put in this position to change...

I pause to think.

Oh yeah, I'm going for the national debate trials tomorrow! Hope I do well!

The Grand Copthorne Waterfront Hotel

On a happier and more intellectually stimulating note, I attended the International Students Symposium organised by the Singapore International Foundation today at the Grand Copthorne Waterfront Hotel. A symposium is a formal meeting where people discuss certain issues. The theme for discussion at this year's symposium was: The Asian Century: Possibility or Pipe Dream?

It was fun and thought provoking to listen to the various speakers touch on the growth of China and India, as well as the relevance of ASEAN in our changing marketplace. The best part of the day was the Question and Answer sessions, where Kanesh and I had a fun time thinking up questions (some wierd and downright ridiculous, which were not asked, of course) to ask. I now have a large pool of data to draw upon for future GP essays... hehe...

The symposium will continue tomorrow. Ahh, another day of rest....

Of work, tests, councillors and symposiums.

Finally! I can sit down and blog about what has happened in the past few days. I have been so caught up with school work and tests for the first half of this week. It's a miracle I've gotten through all of them. And already I sense that next week will be just as bad, despite the break till Wednesday.

Yesterday our class went to Parliament House! What a delightful experience! My debate instincts returned as I stood in that replica of the House Chamber, but I tried to keep them under control, otherwise I think I would have just launched full-swing into a real speech against my poor classmates in the "governing party". For once, the Opposition triumphs!!! Although I realised from yesterday that my class can't debate for nuts, although some people have potential.... I think I will enter politics once I've served several years in the private sector and am financially sound...

The evening was topped off with a dinner with the debate team and coaches. I will spare you all the details as you can read about it in Owen's blog. Suffice to say that it was hilarious to watch poor Manit eat wasabi for the first time. I have a feeling we aggravated his fever...

But all of this fun was just the end of three days of pure work. After the history test yesterday I was in a perfectly good mood...... Until I went to the Student Centre (SC) to return my blazers. It still makes my blood boil to think about it. Be warned that the following paragraphs will be full of heated language and strong emotions...

I walked into the SC with the two blazers in hand to return them, but lo and behold, I was told that I could not return them. Since the debate team had borrowed 5 blazers in bulk for the debate finals, the 5 blazers MUST be returned together in bulk. Of course, they never bothered mentioning this WHEN WE WERE BORROWING THEM. I asked them why they could not strike off two from the 5 on the list. The sweet councillor behind the counter told me it was troublesome for them. She also narrated this lovely story of how their teacher had forbidden them from doing so before. Apparently, the Interact Club had once borrowed 20 blazers. When returning them, ONE guy forgot to bring his blazer. The other 19 were rejected.

I said, you cannot possibly expect me to bring these blazers back home? I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do. It's troublesome for us and our teacher says we can't do this. Maybe you can keep the blazers in your locker or ask a friend to keep it for you?

It was only as I stormed out of the SC did I realise the complete injustice of the situation. Here I was, returning TWO blazers, and they, the Welfare Committee that has over 40 members, tell me that it is TROUBLESOME for them to return TWO blazers. And of course, their teacher tells them they cannot.

SERVANT LEADERS! The elected representatives of the student body! Whom are you serving? Your own convenience or your teacher? Is it logical to reject 19 blazers because ONE forgot??? Is leadership merely following orders at the expense of the convenience of the very people you swore to serve in the sight of God and men in the cathedral??? For the love of sanity, speak up! If all councillors do is to organise functions, carry furniture and lead cheers, then any Tom, Dick or Harry can do the job. It takes more than FOLLOWING ORDERS to be a LEADER.

My class councillor asked me to be understanding and see things from THEIR point of view. UNDERSTANDING??? HAVE THEY been understanding?? I wanted to return the blazers because I would not be in school on the next two days, and if I returned them next Monday they would charge me 2 bucks for being late.... This incident is a reflection of the kind of bureaucracy the council is enmeshed in. If I, a student, have to be understanding towards THEM, then why the hell did they run for council in the first place?? To seek UNDERSTANDING???

ARGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was only during the class excursion that I calmed down. But I still fume when I think of it. I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't be doing this, but I simply cannot stand by and watch this ridiculous system perpetuate itself further. The political society has my full support from now onwards.